good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
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Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
At George Orwell’s grave yesterday an American lady asked us how, if he died in 1940 (not the worst bit of this story), did he write a book in 1984…
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.