‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe