@AnnaGHughes
@BrattyBarbie
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin…
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@BrattyBarbie
@s_cLaN07
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
@KylePlantEmoji
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
@TheMichaelRock
My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.
@LindaInDisguise
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
@Mikecanrant
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
@_youhadonejob1
Drunk octopus…
@PanicRestroom
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
@LaLa_Lyds
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
@LeBearGirdle
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*