Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
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Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
WINSTON CHURCHILL: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: “Yeah… and sharks”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
the gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady