Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@poetastrologers

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you

Me: Where was he?

Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car

Me *impressed* he really went for it

@adamgreattweet

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

@NomDeBenoit

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

@jordan_stratton

WINSTON CHURCHILL: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

ONE-LEGGED MAN WHO BARELY SURVIVED A SHARK ATTACK: “Yeah… and sharks”

@tinynietzsche

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

@the0dyss3y

dating a skinny guy cool until u lock him out the room and he slide under da door.

@StinkyGr33n

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

@LocalEmoMom

the gender neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian

@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady