good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever