good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.