Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.

You’re like if “nope” was a person.

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Friend: excited for your date?

Me: no I just found out what we do at the end

Friend: kiss?

Me: *thinking about tipping* math

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?