good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
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i was baptized in a car wash
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.