good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My new favorite headline
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”