Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG