Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
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Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
He took my last fry, your honor
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
biblically accurate fire hydrant
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history