Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.

No weirdos.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

My dad.

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist