Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
You Might Also Like
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.