Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN

what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.

Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?