Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

this is supposed to be an 18 year old

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Dating in your 50’s is great!

Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh

Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

All of my best ideas involve jail time.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment