Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff

Me: you mean like microscopic germs

Life coach: no you should probably worry about those

Me: choking hazards

Life coach: that’s not-

Me: killer bees

Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work

*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn

Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.

I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.

I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

Just the best dancing sandwiches.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that