Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
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My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath