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TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”