Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
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The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Our lord and savoury.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃