Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
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black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
when she block me on everything
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
🤣😂🤣😂
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Got him!
