Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
You Might Also Like
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far