Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
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I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Just ordered me some pizza!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me