Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

is nasa ok

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

the worm is coming from inside the brain

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]