Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
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Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.