Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny