Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
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Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
*mops up wine with cat*
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move