Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Beauty and the Beast
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no