Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.

Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white panties

Me: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…

Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

If only.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.