Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.