Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
My dream car is a taco truck.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.