Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
john wicks are toilet candles
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I need to sieze this.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY: