Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Thanks to a fan for this one!

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon

A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”