Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.

*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?

My diet starts in January

of 2027

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

if we get nuked while i’m at work i’m gonna be so mad

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”

The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.