Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”

**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin

As a kid: what tf does that mean?

Turns 40: ohhhhh

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.