Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
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[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely