Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.

It’s real life horror movie science

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪