Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
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British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Jokes on them. I took 10.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Pleading insanity in small claims court
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Every house has this drawer
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no