Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
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Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Pat is about to own someone
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”