@Jandalize

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

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@kvlly

Who are we?
CLIENTS!

What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!

When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!

@aaronpaul_8

Joe: Yes, that was me.

Obama: Please stop.

Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.

Obama: Joe…

Joe: Nope.

@simoncholland

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

@Reverend_Scott

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

@BobTheSuit

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

@wildethingy

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

@Mom_Overboard

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

@carlawh

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

@Sanbel11

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

@dimplesticks

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no