Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

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Who are we?

What do we want?

When do we want it?


Joe: Yes, that was me.

Obama: Please stop.

Joe: I will not stop. This room will smell so bad when he gets here.

Obama: Joe…

Joe: Nope.


Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.


[sees friend at the store]



“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.


The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.


If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.


Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.


When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.


-Come on, it’s time to go


-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!



5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no