Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
c’mon!
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
What kind of a cult is this?
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Cardio Made Easy
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.