Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger

8: YOU stop growing bigger

And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.