Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
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Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Clients after you give them your rates
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I support this random dude and all his protests
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.