Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18

And that’s just for the alcohol

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”