good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again