good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
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I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My hips? Compulsive liars.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
drew a comic about my origin story
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators