good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
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[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*