Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
…żyje?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
when you are just born a rebel
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
