Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
