Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
If my kids invented a drink.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
