good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
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Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”
Yup
