Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

We will use anything but the metric system

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.

My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??

Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.