Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”