Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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Silent letters are really out there squeezing into words like “don’t worry I’ll be quiet you won’t even know I’m here”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
i’m gonna allow it
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete