Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?