Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it