Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
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shit, they caught us—run!!!
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Smile they said.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!