Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is enough internet for the day.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

describing stardew valley

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.

My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.

having children is a pyramid scheme.

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening

What I said: I do.

What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.