Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
You Might Also Like
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Covid like
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless