Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*

“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam