Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

GUY: *cuts me off in traffic

ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

After I drink coffee I show my empty cup to the IT guy and say that I have successfully installed Java. He hates me.