Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

Interviewer: why do u want to work here

me: revenge

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN