Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

:/

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.