Good morning, Twitter 😊
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A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
The point of your 20s
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
@funTweeters
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.