Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Wiggle is the best of all rooms.

growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

Me: And when there was only one set of-

Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

The Struggle

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down