Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
You Might Also Like
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The booster protects against what, now?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
uncle dave has been through hell
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.