Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
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Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I left my lunch on my counter. I work an hour away from home. More upsetting than any breakup. Doodling a turkey sandwich in my notebook. What could’ve been.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
‘I know a black person’
– White people
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
even bears disappoint their mothers
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.