Good morning, Twitter x
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Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Where’s my employee discount too?
