Good morning, Twitter x
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It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I don’t make the rules sorry
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀 oh sory about that we were just passing by
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”