Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
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Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
another case of gang violins
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Strangers have the best candy.