Good morning, Twitter x
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im a single issue voter and this is my issue
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back