Good morning y’all ☀️
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Fights fire with marshmallows
What if all the cashiers are married?
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
