Good morning y’all ☀️
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“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.
Thought the magazine ‘Rhythm Method” was about drum and bass before I saw the ‘pull out’ section.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.