Good morning y’all ☀️
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[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Never deleting this app.
How to make infinite energy.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less