Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged

Monday?
No. Next question.

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: oh wow that was really fast

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.