Good morning y’all ☀️
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they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that