Good morning y’all ☀️
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out