Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
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Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Check your privilege
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My five year plan is a meteorite
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
there has never been a better use of this meme
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory